To give those who don't know my story a little background, I will share a bit about where I come from, so you can better understand how my beliefs have developed. By the age of 25, I juggled a professional modeling career, and probation for two DWI's. As ordered by the court, I began attending A/A meetings in 1990 and being the extremist that I was, I dove into the program wholeheartedly for 3 years. In conjunction, I attended counseling regularly. Despite my dedication to heal myself, two years was the longest I was able to stay sober. My cycle of failure to abstain eventually caused me to throw in the towel and it was then that I began searching for something better to solve my problem. I had NOT participated in A/A for about 2 years, when I came face to face with God on May 5^th. I hit an all-time low, and in a state of severe depression and exhaustion from panic attacks, I seriously considered suicide. I went into a room to shoot myself, but instead came out free to begin an entirely different journey of recovery. I awakened from that experience with intense compassion for and understanding of my mother, the object of my hatred that no chemical could satiate. I suddenly had such an indescribable feeling of peace that I wanted to surrender to this power which had revealed itself as liberating. And I did. He keeps pulling me back every time I lose my peace. The pressure to succeed by worldly standards is off, because grace stepped in.

Looking back in the light of all I've learned through Christ, I can clearly see that my futile attempts to heal myself from my disease thru A/A and counseling were temporary because, though I thought my focus was on God, my "Higher Power" was actually the recovery group, and all my focus was on myself, my deeds, my ability or inability. There was no room in my program for God, the only source of eternal healing and true power. Over the last 13 years God has led me to a place where I have the ability to focus more on Him and His power than on my efforts. And in this newfound focus, through trust and surrender, I am free to learn about and apply what I'm taught about the root of my problem, rather than the symptom of drugs and alcohol. As I grow in understanding, I lose the desire to run away through chemicals.

Interestingly, I recently visited A/A meetings, in search for support in my new location, and my reasons for leaving so many years ago were confirmed. The well renowned 12-step program does not have the intentional focus on Christ that has brought me relief. For me, it was the focus of self that kept me sick, and A/A may have changed that focus slightly from my pain to my efforts to resolve it, but for me it was still all about self. A/A does incorporate a "Higher Power", but it is not adamant about what that power is. I found Christ in a personal way outside of that group's implication to Him. A/A is a practice-run for surrender, but some of us need to trust what we're surrendering to -and I was not one who could trust something just because a bunch of people said it works. So, why would I go back to the place that I didn't find my healing, to recover through a human filter group (which exacerbated my later realized root issue of co-dependency), when I can be healed directly from the source of all healing? I cannot venture to say that recovery is the same for everyone else in the world, because I have not walked in their actual shoes, but I wish that everyone who suffers with similar addictions could find what I have found in Christ and so, I encourage others to seek a personal and intimate relationship with Him at every opportunity. Last night, however, I was left little room to do so.

What bothered me about my encounter at The Blues Fest was the same problem I ran into in the A/A meetings I recently visited. The young musician is new in recovery and, bless his heart, had his Sponsor with him. When they saw the mini wine bottle in my hand, they zeroed in on one another and began, in essence, singing a duet of recovery phrases to one another, not realizing that I am very familiar with the song. So I indicated to the musician my familiarity with the secret code and inquired of him about the older man's relation to him. He confirmed my suspicion before disappearing, leaving his Sponsor to "deal" with me. The Sponsor, who seemed more like a bouncer, proceeded to make it very clear by word he was a recovery success, and by body language, that I was not. I felt judged and rejected. Of course, I'm still a work in progress, as we all are. And even though I know in my heart there's a big difference in planting a seed, and trying to win others over to justify myself, I'm still learning to apply this truth, so I fall into the trap of attempting to gain worldly acceptance at times. In my hurt caused by the attitude of this man, I made the mistake of trying to defend myself by explaining to the Sponsor that though I have been in recovery for 20 years, through Christ, my focus has shifted to the root of my problem, rather than the symptoms. My defense was quickly shot down by a blatant retort, outlining the number of years this man has gone without drink, followed by a quick exit. My internal reaction was anger, because my temptation to take on this imposing feeling of inferiority and continue to respond in it, was now compounded. But thank God, I suddenly remembered that my worth is not in other people, and I chose not to fall for those feelings! Instead of continuing to add fuel to this consuming fire, I simply waved goodbye with a polite, "Nice to have met you." Too often we are more concerned with being understood than with trying to understand. After his departure, I realized that for whatever reason, recovery meant something entirely different to this man, than it did to me, and that nothing I said would be considered as legitimate, due to the bottle in my hand and this man's perception of recovery. I wonder if not having the bottle in my hand would have made our encounter feel less like an Olympic event.

So what's the difference between A/A and recovery in Christ? FOR ME it is boils down to limits vs. grace;the ability to see beyond my own efforts to the only power that I have found that can actually heal the old thought patterns which scream for validation. It takes a greater purity than the hands that built these self imprisoning walls, to break them down, because focusing on my efforts inevitably results in the biggest prison of all: pride. Being a conductor for grace is a rush, whereas being on a self imposed pedestal is lonely. Freedom in Christ allows me the choice to be in recovery because I want to, not because I have to. Recovery in Christ is a gift that we all have the choice to accept, or not. It cannot be earned, it has no limits, and it's value cannot be determined by a numerical value, as in any sum of days. If we accept it, we can pass it on, if not we can't. No one can give away what he/she doesn't have.

Today, what saddens me most about recovery is realizing that my desire to pass on to others the freedom that I have found, is dependent on whether or not the person to whom I offer it, chooses to receive it; just like I had the choice to adopt the perceptions that man had about me. The catch is that when we are offered anything, we must at least momentarily let go of whatever lifeline are holding onto, in order to grasp the offering. And our ability to let go of what we have clenched our hands around, depends on how successful we perceive it to be. And so I ask, has that lifeline truly brought you peace? Further complicating my goal to "pay it forward" is the fact that grace and freedom are two things that must be experienced, in order to fully understand them. So how does one best deliver this priceless, yet unfamiliar package to a suspicious recipient who does not know what he/she is missing? The only way to make it appealing enough for consideration to those who haven't experienced it, is by being an extension of the grace and freedom we have been given. Sure, I could have argued the true meaning of the word "recovery" with that man. We've both been in it for the same amount of years; we both know all the rules and sayings. But what good would it have done? The most likely outcome would not bring glory to God, though I may have earned myself a temporary rush of false pride. So I took a hit and kept my beliefs to myself, giving the man full freedom to walk away in his current mindset. In Christ alone, I'm big enough to do that today. I left the Blues Fest early, feeling mostly good about my response, which at least showed progress in my recovery, yet sad for the Sponsor and his latest recruit.

Is it simple irony that I'm left pondering a scripture that I quoted to a friend only days ago? I think not.

"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." (1 Corinthians 2:14)