I have been asked....
There are three things I KNOW about my life. They are concrete, deeply engrained within me and will never be moved. 1. My relationship with Jesus 2. My calling. 3. My love for Kevin. I know that some may say at my age, that a calling can change or be unstable. I would say your wrong during the years I ran from God, like the roadrunner runs from Coyote, so many would prophesy over me. Countless times men and woman of God would say "you may not understand this right now but God is going to use you and your life powerfully." I recall thinking "hah yea right!" I was as far from that mindset as a person could be. However, my precious heavenly Father pulled on my heart strings everyday and whispered "I'm waiting...are you ready?" I knew deep within that my life would be incredibly tough and that someday God would use it. I don't rightly understand how I knew that, seeing as though I was not in a close relationship with Him. I just knew...
I am not here to ever receive pity or to hear "you are so strong." I am not strong, my God is powerful and held me up. It is not because of me that my life has turned out the way it has. It is ALL because of Jesus Christ. One of the ways God has used me is that I have been given the gift of speech. I go around and speak for different things. Mostly, I speak on whatever it is God has laid on my heart. I don't speak to men. Well, that is not entirely true. Last semester I spoke for men and woman on Ephesians. I mainly only speak to woman. That is the specific area of ministry Christ has called me. My testimony has become the focal point of almost every event I have spoken at. Somehow, God in his magnificent way directs the event in that direction. When I was first asked to give my testimony it was two years ago. At that time God had not done half of the things he has now. Therefore, my testimony is ever growing. God took a weak area and stretched me. I was completely against ever giving my testimony, I was terrified. It is JUST like God to take what I am most terrified of and turn into my ministry ha-ha. I am no longer afraid and eagerly anticipate speaking. I am BLESSED beyond words to speak to woman, my cup overflows. I have such a passion for the hearts of woman.
The Holy Spirit reminded me that it has been on my heart for months to write out my testimony I never know what God will do with what I say. I don't ask. I know that God has a reason and sometimes people come up to me and tell me. I just pray for every heart. With that said I do want to give a quick praise report. Last month I was asked to come speak for something. I had gone in prepared to talk on something God had shown me in the bathroom the night before lol. Sometimes I hear words in the most interesting of places. Midway through the night God said "give your testimony." I was blown away because I had felt so strongly about the word I had prepared. He would not let off of my heart and when I stood to speak, I told the ladies that God had something different planned for them on that night. I spoke. I knew in my spirit it was exactly what God wanted and the enemy was against. I was later approached and told that two of young woman had a disease that was similar to what I had been healed from. I could not believe it! A week later I received an e-mail from one of the ladies and she poured her heart out to me. As it turns out her story almost directly mirror's mine. I am praying for her healing everyday. I was in awe of God! I grabbed up my laptop and ran to my husband shouting about it. I read him the letter and we were both blessed. I am blessed beyond words when I hear things like that. Our Father is so unbelievably wonderful in everyway. I cherish the letters I receive telling me in what ways God moved. Without further ado...
He Rescued Me, Because He Delights In Me
My Testimony
I am the oldest of five girls. I was raised in a hustle and bustle of busyness. My mother home schooled us four children and my Father worked several jobs. We worked for "Life Time Books and Gifts" out of Lake whales, FL. The Farewells were dear friends of ours for many, many years. We were among their first reps. My Father was the Sunday school teacher at the church and my mother, like me, went to different places and spoke. Funny how her eldest child does the same. I raised quiet different from my peers. I did not watch TV; if I did it was Little House or the Walton's. I did not listen to the music that was popular or wear the clothing in style. My days were spent reading and playing in dresses. The really pathetic thing was that it was ALL a show. My family was horribly, horribly screwed up from day one. My parents were spectacular actors. I received severe verbal abuse my entire life as well as physical, every once in a while. My parents hated each other and made our lives hell on earth. My parents were unfaithful and I spent most nights falling asleep to the sound of their fighting. I suffered from severe depression and attempted suicide a couple of times. I am so serious when I say that it is vital to ONLY speak what we know within our spirit comes from God. If you are unsure, keep your mouth shut and pray more about it. For years woman in the church would assure me that God had clearly spoke to them and promised he would restore my family. As a young girl I believed it with all of my heart. As an adult, I now see that quiet often the words from God aren't always from him. More accurately we formulate the words in our mind and tack God to the end. This is a sad but true fact. When my family continued to grow worse and finally ended in utter disaster. I was furious I hated Christ with a sincere deep hatred. I nearly cry as I write those words. To think I ever hated my precious savior. I was commitment to run as far from Christ as I could. I carried so many hurts, and then hurt myself even worse by getting into horrible situations. Throughout my years as a teenager, I made every possible bad decision a person can make. I was in such an utter mess, I could never see a way out. I had the wrong friends, hung out at the wrong places, had the wrong thoughts, wrong heart...you name it. I hated everyone and everything. I was bitter, deceitful and mean spirited. I would hurt someone in a second if it meant I gained something from it. I was selfish and angry, so incredibly angry. I could put on a great show though. I had everyone around me fooled. People thought I was the sweetest and most well behaved young woman. Inside, I was the absolute opposite. I began sleeping around when I was seventeen. I had no concern at all for what I was doing to myself emotionally and physically. I threw around sex like it was nothing.
The Beginning of the "End"
When I was 15, I started experiencing severe pains on my right side near my appendix. It became such an issue that it would affect my everyday life. A few weeks after the pains began I passed out at work. I was taking money from a customer and just went out. Praise the Lord the woman's husband caught me in midair. I had been headed for a brick floor. I told my parents about the pain and they thought it was period pain. I knew differently. A few months of pain and my parents finally broke down and took me to the doctor. I have "had appendicitis" about 5 times. It was always that or period pain. I was so frustrated! I continued to pass out a few more times and take lots of Motrin for pain. I am so immune to Motrin. The years went on and it grew worse and worse. I would see doctors and always be told it was nothing. No one could properly help me. By the time I was 18 it was severally worse. I experienced daily pains all over my right and left side as well as my middle. The pains wrapped to my back and shot sharp down my legs. There were days I could hardly walk. I threw up almost daily and I was sick to my stomach 24/7. I could hardly eat anything. When I was 17 I weighed 130 pounds. One year later I was 85 pounds soaking wet. I had problems with my kidneys and experienced pain from that as well. I began to have weekly bladder and UT infections. I bled all the time. I bled even using the bathroom. I would cry and want to scream from the pain when I used the bathroom. It hurt to lay on my stomach, sit or stand for long periods of time. I could not lift anything much heavier then 5 pounds or I would almost double over. I could no longer run, ride a bike, jump, and walk for extended periods of time or work out. Each month when my period came around, I was gone! There are no words to describe the kind of pain I experienced. I could hardly breathe sometimes it hurt so bad. I would need oxygen. I would feel blinded, literally with pain. I trembled it was so bad. I don't know how I lived through it. I was incredibly miserable. There were days I wished I would die rather then live with what I dealt with. My college career was even effected. I could hardly make it to class most days. In July of 2006, I began to feel something hard, like a knot, growing in my middle under my belly-button. A few weeks later, I passed out at work after having a really painful day. I was too stubborn to not work. The next day I was taken to yet another doctor. I remember praying that God would finally send someone to help me. I was not a Christian but I knew where my help came from. Within five minutes of seeing me, my angel doctor from God ordered that I have surgery ASAP. She knew exactly what was wrong within seconds. "Severe endometriosis." The words echoed relief. I was overjoyed that FINALLY, I had a diagnosis. One week later I underwent surgery. What began as a simple surgery turned into much more. Almost everything was damaged from endometriosis. I had a damaged bladder, stomach lining, UT tract, ovaries, appendix, etc. My doctor said it was the worse case she had ever seen. She had no idea how I had been living. I was told that it would take 6-8 weeks to recover, and that once I was recovered my life would be normal. Remember how I said I had never experienced pain like the pain from my endometriosis? That was before surgery. I could be offered a million dollars to go through that process again and I would laugh heartily in your face. I spent almost four weeks on my back, on the couch. I could not even use the bathroom by myself. I had to be lifted and moved around. Walking was out of the question, pretty much any bodily movement other then movement of my head was not going to happen. It took me 3 weeks to be able and take tiny baby steps down the hall and 4 weeks to step up one stair. My mom clapped her hands and praised me when I made it up one stair lol. I felt like a baby. The medicine I was on made me throw up every time I sat up straight. I had so much air from the surgery in my lungs and chest that it hurt to breathe and sit up even slightly. ( They had to inflate my stomach so they had enough room to work.) My precious Kevin was at my side every minute of the day. He left his house and spent his last remaining days of summer vacation helping Mom take care of me. He slept on the floor next to my couch every night. Five weeks after surgery ,I was determined to go back to school for the fall semester and I did. I even walked It was difficult to move in and walk to classes, etc. I still had stitches and I was still horribly swollen. But dang it I did it. I give God all the glory. I might not have been a Christian but I know he gave me the strength to do that.
Two months later...I was back to square one. The promise of a normal life was fading away. I had completely relapsed back to where I had been. I was devastated. I was told I could not have children. I was told my options were a hysterectomy or suffering. I was told I wouldn't live if I chose to live with the disease. I chose suffering.
Show Me Your Glory
I have to rewind one year from that point in fall 2004. We are headed back to fall 2006. I spent my first few weeks of college being an IDIOT. I did not know the Lord and still didn't want to. I was screwing up my life royally. I was so sick, yet I still partied and drank every Thursday-Sunday. I had a dirty mouth. I was mean to Christians and made fun of them. Mainly because they didn't want to have anything to do with someone like me. I was still sleeping around as well. September rolled around. The earth shook, the heavens opened and God sent me Kevin Michael Cox. I met him in my history class. He was unlike any guy I had ever known. He loved the Lord passionately and surprisingly loved me despite my lifestyle. He reached out with a friendly hand and loved me as Christ loved the lost. He became one of my dearest of friends. I invited him to go to Huddle House with some of my friends and I one night. Kevin was the only saved person at that table. He started to talk about the Lord. I don't even remember what he said or talked to us about. I just know that God used him powerfully that evening. I became so convicted and so broken that I wanted to throw up. I was suddenly aware of how horrible my life was and how desperately I needed Jesus. I asked Kevin if I could use his Bible, and that night on my cold dorm room floor I gave my life to my Savior. It is hard for me to describe how I felt. I knew I had no where to go but to Him. I describe is as being in a desert, and reaching that point where your panting in desperation for water. I was flat on my stomach crawling back to Him with what little strength I had left. God had reached down and broken my stubborn heart. Lord you are so good and as I write this, I am moved to tears remembering that night. Oh Jesus, that you would save and use someone like me. I love you so much! Just to let you know every person at that table gave their life to the Lord within three months. They have gone on to do awesome things for the Kingdom of God.
Back to Fall 2006. I chose suffering. No one understood why and everyone begged me to have the hysterectomy. I was not going to give up Faith. I would tell people I knew I would be healed eventually. If I was forced to have surgery he would heal me on the operating table. The doctors would open me to find it all gone. I fought long and hard against the enemy and his lies. I cried and held onto Jesus. He was my only hope. All of my faith and might was in Him. I knew he would not let me down. It says "By his wounds we are healed." I knew of the many people in the Bible who were healed. Specifically, I knew of the woman who had bled for 12 years. With one touch of his garment she was restored to health. My God would heal me! Time progressed and I continued to get worse. I struggled with it. I won't lie. God and I went nine rounds all the time. My crying and screaming for Him and not hearing Him say "wait...it will be done." I grew so close to Jesus because of all of that. He became my best friend.
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